Wednesday, September 8, 2010

11:24 AM EST

(over Colorado or Utah) [Comment: SO excited to read this part of the journey! I’ve forgotten most of what that was like.]

I am such a hot mess right now. Books and folders spilling out my seat pocket, dropped a Meyers-Briggs book and grabbed someone’s foot by accident while looking for it, can’t connect to the WiFi on my phone to start and finish alcohol edu (which needs to be done by Sunday, which means I need to finish it today.)

Haven’t really registered that I won’t be home until Thanksgiving yet.

Or maybe I have and decided not to make a big deal of it—idk.

I cried briefly after Mom, Dad and Allie left the airport—mostly for Allie.

Slept on and off for 4 hours (am buying sleeping pills next time).

Excited.

Slept in Nicholas’ room every night since he left: a) didn’t want to get sad over my room; b) wanted to be closer to the rest of the family.

Things I still need:

[Indent] -sleeping mask

-cologne

-Y Tu Mama Tambien

11:18 PST

I am an idiot already—got on the wrong BART train—will miss 11:31 CalTrain—wait for an hour [Comment: 1) Story of my Stanford life; 2) It wasn’t the wrong BART—I just didn’t hear the announcement to get off at San Bruno to transfer for the Millbrae train.]

Fuck.

On a different note, what a successful first quarter would be: 

• not vomiting or passing out 
• Not coming onto anyone I would regret [Comment: That’s a mighty short list]

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

0:20 AM (9/15)

Good, but insane day. Okay night.

Roommate is 20 y/o Singaporean (served in military for 2 years)—really nice. Likes Gaga, too. Name is Kai.

SPOT was awesome. More tomorrow.

Saying goodbye wasn’t so hard.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

9:55

Annoyed that I haven’t had as much alone time and/or time to do what I want so far:

Last night we learned house cheers then spend ~2 hours in a rally outside (running around/the entire school did—can’t explain it) I was tired, felt cold coming and just wanted to stay inside.

Today, no access to dorms from 10:30 – dinner.

Still need to unpack and buy things and set up comp.

0:12 (9/16)

Today went much better than I thought it would.

Biked down University Avenue to Palo Alto today—so nice to get out of the bubble and be in a quasi urban enviro. [Comment: Did I really start feeling the bubble three days in?!]

Saw Nina, Amanda, Kareem, Julia, Valeria and many others I know.

Grew friendlier with those in my dorm.

Went to “Faces” a diversity showcase and had a nice discussion with dorm after.

So much to do. So excited.

Room unpacked and decorated, mostly.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

23:40

Classes start tomorrow. So excited. All I have is Italian, but that’s enough for me.

Disorientation starts in 20 minutes (getting drunk)—I’m not going.

To reuse the words of my peers, all in all: [Comment: Sidenote: “Sir Psycho Sexy” is playing as I write, and this distinctly reminds me of flying out to California for SPOT]

• I'm nervous about nothing and excited about everything  
• scared this will stop feeling like a vacation  
• worried I won’t get to take all the classes, meet all the people and do all the things Stanford has to offer  
• So excited by how diverse this dorm is and looking forward to having me life changed by these people

Saturday, September 23, 2010

(1:57 AM – 9/26)

I was ~depressed because:

·      I still haven’t found someone to love—or even to hookup with

·      I wasn’t drunk

·      those in A-haus who were drunk never asked me if I wanted to join

But I now realize where my support group lies—Andrea, Mailyn, Kai, Qihan, Conner, Ava et. al—I’ll find romance (or lust) soon and a group of friends and things to do and places to drink—it just takes time.

And I know I need to stay with the Lord and trust him—and hard as it is, I will

Sunday, September 26, 2010

13:13

It’s amazing how quickly a week/3 weeks have gone by.

At the moment, considering dropping the 3 unit public speaking course I’m enrolled in because:

• I don’t feel like thinking of a 2-3 minute “narrative” to tell—and I have to practice it before 3 PM tomorrow, when I have an appointment with a tutor
• It runs from 7:30-10 on Wednesdays
• I kind of want to take things easy this quarter
• I’d like to apply for a column in the Daily and run for Frosh Council rep on the ASSU

I’m going to stick with it for at least another week, I think.

I went to a gay Happy House on Fri—it was my first (and only alc so far). It was the focus/spark of my day from Wed, when I found out about it until I got there.

But I felt shy and went straight for the vodka . Alternated between following X around and ignoring him; unsuccessfully tried to entire a circle. Befriended a drunk girl who was also shy.

Biked with [X] back to FloMo, met [Y] a gay frosh from [Z] (hot); chilled for ~an hour --> drink with the heteronormal party crew of Alondra --> LGBT Center with [X] and [Y].

Wanted to dance close and slow with [Y]—or close and fast. Couldn’t muster up the courage—did ~at end—awk. 

Next day (ieri), while [Y] @ Scavenger Hunt, left my $ under his door—no response. Feel awk again.

martedi il 28 settembre 2010

23:12

My days have gotten much better.

Sun:

biked to Palo A lot, developed photos at CVS, spent ~3 hours in Caffe del Doge finishing my Bible reading, drinking Freddo del Doge (iced double shot espresso in a martini glass), doing the Sunday Crossword & drinking Pelligrino. -->Black Student Union where I learned about “stereotype threat” and had my perspective changed.

Ieri:

Had mini crisis when I felt underwhelmed with workload, then realized I can join clubs, explore the campus, meet people and concentrated on doing really well in my 4 classes.

At lunch, ran into [Y] ~awk, ate lunch together—can’t figure out how genuine his “sorry—I forgot to text you” was, but it’s better than nothing

Spent the afternoon talking with people, read newspaper on a bench near Green Library, listened to 2 spotlights at dinner, went to the Daily meeting for frosh and got really excited about journaling again, shot hoops with Qihan for ~45 minutes and talked—it was really therapeutic and I like him so much --> fountain hopping with Alondra (greatest single thing I’ve ever done—it felt so great and was so refreshing, crazy, quintessentially Stanford).

Today:

Ran into Meredith after Ital and had lunch at Tresidder—so much fun—walked her back to Uj [Comment: That was that long ago?! It really felt like it could’ve happened any quarter—even late winter quarter].

Awk --> fun “Dream Team” session

Heard lecture on the Hebrew Bible and Genesis that was positively provocative and got me really excited for religious studies.

Watched Glee @ CASA—Britney Spears episode—SO GOOD.

Did Ital, got bored, walked around, hung out in Julia’s room for a while.

Journaling on catwalk right now—so nice. [Comment: I believe Mailyn caught me up here that night and said she liked writing up there, too.]

So excited for all that the future holds.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

13:53

Good day ieri—Yoon Sook said one of my observations on “Works and Days” by Hesiod was “brilliant” and that my close reading of a passage was really good --> a high.

Elected Frosh Council rep!

Went to a party at “Enchanted Broccoli Forest” –had my first beer from a keg, listened to “Das Racist,” went with Itai, found $4 on the floor. Finished work and went to bed @ 3 after listening to a hilarious Itai.

Also, Amelia emailed me yesterday!

Shit be getting better.

Going to a Margarita Night at [X]'s frat tonight.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

8:40 AM

This is earliest I’ve been up since SPOT (got up at 7:15)—I’ve actually been less sleepy since I started sleeping less. (Used to sleep 8-10 hours), now closer to 6-8.

Things have gotten better since last writing.

Went to Xanadu with Julia and her wonderful Gaviloro friends—listened to Avril while drinking cheap wine before; got there at ~10:15 or 10:30.

Not too crowded—was a drinking and talking party.

--> Sigma Chi to dance.

Had one margarita too much and threw up (first time from alcohol ever and first time generally in a while—sucked, but it was quick.)

Ultima sera, went to Happy Hour again, this time with Alondra friends; met people I knew/new people more easily.

--> FloMo and ate with WestFlo. Chilled in Gavilan lounge; played Apples to Apples and Taboo.

Planned to go to Pajama Party at ΠΣΨ, but didn’t plan to go in PJs until right before—went in my robe, no shirt and Guess jeans.

Planned to leave with WestFlo, but missed them; met up with Julia & co again.

è ΠΣΨ—fun (had 4 beers)—feel alc as a crutch, but NEED TO MEET A GUY!

Now, on the way to SFO for Scavenger Hunt. [Comment: It wasn’t until June that I realized SFO meant the airport and SF meant the city…] I love the people here.

Also, Skyped with Heidi yesterday—so good to see/hear a friend.

21:00

On the CalTrain from SFO with Mary, Sarahi, Miguel and Dewey—scavenger hunt was fun. It exposed me to some of SFO (still so much more to see) and I got to know some other people way better.

After hunt over, went back to Fisherman’s Wharf with above co. for dinner.

It was so nice to be in a real city, but also ~frustrating not to know the city at all.

Used my camera for the first time since arriving on campus—felt good to get back in the groove. Got some great color accent photos, some cool detail shots and once cityscape photo I really liked—of the gray Bay Bridge stretching into gray fog with blue and gray on either side of the street—the combo of this latter fact and the fact that the street dropped into a deep decline in front of me made it appear like the bridge came out of and went into buildings and emerged out of nowhere from the street.

Was able to finally think of something productive for my SLE paper.

I love the prompt and that it’s a 4 page paper and that I have to submit a draft a week before final due date and am so excited to write it—just don’t know my argument.

Over dinner, watched the Stanford-Oregon game and was glued to the screen/plays/screamed in excitement when we scored—like that I’m warming up to football. We had a great 1^st half—leading 28-24, but I believe we lost 45-31.

Very exciting, though. Oregon is #3 team nationally and we held them off for a while. I am very happy to be here.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

23:18

• Denise visited from USC  
• Stanford beat USC with 4 seconds to go in the game yesterday  
• Oktoberhaus at Haus Mitt with Wyndam, Chrissy and Tiffany last night—ran into Davis Ryan  
• Accepted to Opinions Fellow and columnist is still possible  
• 98 on my Italian take home  
• Rushed the field for the first time—so great!  
• Registered people to vote today! Felt great  
• Brunch with all the guys from SPOT + Meredith  
• X sexiled Y 
• Played beer pong for the first time on Fri  
• Still no h/u  
• Life is fine  
• Weather in 80s this week

New philosophy:

Quit trying to get with certain people (X, Y), quit constantly looking for people to get with and start meeting new people and making new friends.

Academics are first priority, then just being myself and having fun—put off “love”/lust till winter quarter.

Be more sociable, get out of comfort zone, and if I happen to fall into someone/vice versa, great.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

14:29

Feeling sleepy.

Stayed up till 3 editing my paper, even though it was done at 11.

Less satisfied with it/with thesis and with cuts to close readings that I made.

Have missed calling Grandma the last two Sundays—called Monday last week and haven’t yet called this week.

Discovered Bender Room in Bing on Sunday and fell in love.  Perfect study spot—here now.

It rained on Sunday and was ~cold—I liked it. It felt like fall and I missed the northeast.

Dreamt the other night of flying over water, but not being able to fall down when I wanted to—it happened twice within one dream. I wasn’t being still, I just couldn’t control my movement down.

Horny.

Tried reading Plato and Aeschylus just now (this week’s reading), but the former was dense and the latter, too weirdly worded.

What to do?!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

0:54 (10/20/2010)

I cried for the first time in a long time over Aunt Cheryl today—it happened while I was on the phone with Grandma Rena in the Main Quad, right after I finished my prior journal entry. There were a lot of triggers:

1) I dreamt of her last night, but don’t remember how—it fled the moment I tried to think of it

2) Grandma told me the story of the photo of her, AC and Mom in front of church—something to do with wanting to go to the Wonder Bread Factory Store after Mom (I think it was Mom) or AC received the right hand of fellowship and before Grandma left. Something, I think AC, said, “wait, let’s take a picture first” and they stopped some lady either as she was coming in or going out.

The story is so full of holes, but it’s still more than I had. And I thought about AC asking for a photo at that moment and not knowing she’d not be alive to see it a few short years later.

Then Grandma spoke about actors from Happy Days and some similar show that died within the week and how Mom and Aunt Cheryl (she calls her AC when she talks to me) used to watch it.

(Note on photo story) I hadn’t imagined AC speaking in such a long time that I think hearing even contestable quotes from her was a trigger.

--> Grandma kept repeating “Grandma’s alright—don’t worry about me” and she said “you know, if something happened to me, your Mom would’ve called you about it already” and then complained that Mom calls to check in on her everyday, just as she sits down to watch the 6 pm news and how she thought I was Mom calling and how until last week, when she left the house for the first time in two weeks (she had swollen joints and body aches) she could’ve died in the apartment and no one would’ve known and how the mail would’ve piled up—this triggered me.

Then (or before) she—[X] walked by and I became self-conscious and lost my train of thought—she had said she was really afraid last week, before we got medicine from Dr. Marshall.

And I teared up while speaking to her because I realized how much I love/loved my aunt, how special she was to me and how much I miss her.

I’ve tried ignoring her absence (or the fact that it causes me grief under the excitement of freshman year/nice weather.)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

20:21

The following note was written by David P. Ryan last night/this morning:

“Dayum boi,

you rocked that

shit.

And by shit, I mean

dick.

<3 MUCH LOVE,

David!”

in re: me.

Let’s just say last night was the night I’ve wanted for a long time—drunken with A-Haus people, grinding with guys, hooking up, a mini sexcapade in the bathroom, bonding with A-Hausers later, and also being “out” (by action) and feeling great.

I’m very grateful.

Got to know David, Laura, Vanessa, Biddle and Lucy better.

Fun night.

xoxo6969

(let’s fuck)

P.S. seriously

P.S. Alondra 214

Went to bed at 5:30 after talking with David for a while.

Today, up at 10:40 for 3 hour brunch with SPOT group.

So tired.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

14:00

So I hooked up with 16 guys and 2 girls last night. I am the official FloMo Homo Ho and FloMo Ho.

It was fun—the being drunk and a ho part.

Kissing itself is not that fun, imo, and I need practice.

But getting my frustration out Saturday and finally being a ho last night made me realize it’s about the emotional connection and I think I’m fine now that I have alcohol and friends and am slightly out, just having fun at parties until something serious comes my way.

I’ve had a great series of days in terms of meeting new people and being happy.

I’m very grateful to God.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

10:29

Came out to Kai ieri—he had no idea. I had no idea what I was saying.

~Awk, but I’m glad it happened—I trust him a lot.

Dreamt of AC last night.

First, the five of us—or rather, Mom, Dad, Nick and Allie were sitting around a modern kitchen table, then Aunt Cheryl walked in and stood at the head. We all stared at her in silence, I stood watching the kitchen from the back, so I saw everything.

She then proceeded to put a lot of salt on something that was already oily and salty (fries?).

Then we interjected, “don’t do that!” or something and she shrugged us off.

Then I moved close to her and said, “But we love you!” and tried to kiss her cheek, but she moved away the way Allie does when she wants [sic] to be kissed.

FFW to new dream. Nick and I are in our old room. It’s messy. Somehow, we switch perspectives and I’m in his bed and he’s on mine. He begins throwing my stuffed animals on the floor.

When he gets to Aunt Cheryl’s bear, I scream, “NO!” and as he starts to throw is, I yell, “It’s Aunt Cheryl’s!” and he stops and hands it to me as I tear up. He says, “Don’t cry!” but I do. I start bawling. My tears are present into the next dream.

Friday, October 29, 2010

9:40

Had the weirdest dream. Remember fragments.

In old house in my room in dark. Dad had bad news. Came upstairs. Through door, heard him say Great Grandma died. Remembered a false version of our last conversation/interaction, was sad, and was scared that our family was smaller.

--> Took a flight to Santa Fe. Got there, Uncle Parker or [and?] Dad picked me up. Wanted to go to Cinnabon at airport, but recognized I’d have many more changes—like on the way back. Explored the food court and went to a restaurant I’d been to before that I knew was too expensive  and instead of looking at the menu, this time an old, evil-ish Indian waiter gave us our table setting in a shower caddy-type thing and told us to sit at any blue-lit table, then I nudged Dad and said it was too expensive—we left.

Walking through food court, we went through a meeting of Stanford Flight Attendants, who were discussing their routes for the day. I said (to Kai) I had a lot of respect for Stanford student pilots/flight attendants.

After they adjourned, directly next to them, the leader of Berkeley Flight Union asked his members if they were having any problems.

--> Milling around airport --> end.

Then, driving through some somewhat suburban looking, yet high-rise populated section of Brooklyn called “Ridgerock” on a street called Rastafarian Drive with all the family.

Buildings were made out of terra cotta.

Road winded and I asked Mom/Dad if we’d been there before, remembering or making up an old similarly structured section of Brooklyn we’d driven through in a dream before, but they said no.

We came to a roundabout, pulled over, stopped and had some conversation on the sidewalk. Forget the rest, except that a crazy lady started screaming. Remembered and mourned GG throughout.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

(22:58)

[Ticket to “No Child] at Nitery Theater]

Long, unproductive, horny, temptation filled day.

Kai just told me to stop cursing in the room—it’s “petty and temperamental.” First real moment of tension, as perceived by me.

I will tell him later that I understand where he’s coming from and don’t want to offend him, but that I’m not comfortable with the—I will try to limit how much I curse around him, but I don’t think it’s fair to impose his philosophies on me—I don’t need to justify why I curse—it’s just something that—he just violated it twice.

Don’t want to be confrontational, but he started it.

I don’t curse in my every day conversation—just when minor things get messed up. [Note: I never brought this up with you, Mr. Neo--sorry for my timidness. ^_^]

~Meh.

Anyway, started writing to explain the ticket I just pasted in here—saw a play with Karl and Mary ieri sera [ultima sera] called “No Child” about a black female actress trying to imprvoe the lives of students at a public school in the Bronx.

Made me laugh (from memories) and tore at my heart and the same time.

I want to get involved working with students now.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

6:41 AM

My first allnighter and it felt so good with fellow SLEeple.

Friday, November 19, 2010

(14:18)

Such a great week. I officially 100% love Stanford and realize that I wouldn’t be as happy anywhere else!

SLE play—Lysistrata yesterday. So excellently sexual and so we ll done.

--> HP7 (Pt 1)—decided to go with the dorm last minute and don’t regret it at all.

Drove with Andrea, Nathan, Connie and Joe—so much fun.

IMAX.

Reminded me of why I loved Harry Potter.

Got my Big Game ticket (sort of fucked up getting a free ticket—got a subsidized $17 ticket yesterday.)

Home on Saturday!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

7:23 AM PST

On the plane home—VX 12 to JFK. [Comment: Aw! I was already on VX 12 before this past weekend—that’s cute. ^_^] Can’t believe I’m actually/already going home. So surreal.

10 weeks went by so quickly.

I don’t want to idealize how home will look for fear of being disappointed (come quando sono tornato dall’Italia)

Can’t wait to see the family, but I really miss Stanford already.

In terms of my hopes for the quarter, most everything has been met.

New goals: do SLE reading earlier, office hours.

Such a great week, btw!

WE BEAT CAL!

48-14

It was 45-0 until the fourth quarter.

Spent the day/game with Meredith, AJ and Matt—so much fun.

Walked around Berkeley getting jeered at for the first time in my life—felt great—getting compliments from Cal fans on my Stanford snuggie (Meredith’s).

Walked past the hotel where we saw Penelope’s Odyssey and found a delicious café for breakfast.

--> Cal Stadium

Love Stanford so much. Such a fun domination—got to hear our Fight Song 8 times!

Rushed the field against Cal security after.

Dinner in Palo Alto with Alondrans.

-->Arroyo to drink with Matt and AJ-->ΣΝ, briefly-->Arroyo.

--> Sleep at 3 AM.

Up at 4:20.

Cab was 25 min late—Michael Celentano eventually missed his flight.

Were making OK time until we hit a 30 minute standstill on 101—scared the shit out of me—felt nauseated—could’ve easily been me/us—cars again scare me (more than planes?)

Chrissy Scannell is on my flight! <3 her

We both had Teenage Dream (Glee) stuck in our heads, independently of each other.

I’ve written so little the past 10 weeks, but life has been so busy/fun.

I hope college isn’t too much of a blur.

(15:03 – Southeast of Scranton, PA)

93 miles to go!

I’m back over the East Coast! I’m so happy!

Mia famiglia!

<3!

Slept most of the flight in that on-and-off way one does while flying.

HOME!

NY!

(15:07)

54 miles!

(15:09)

38!

(15:11)

24 to go!

(15:13)

14!

(15:17)

Holding pattern over Atlantic-south of LI

(15:33)

Touchdown! Benvenuto a NY!

Friday, November 26, 2010

19:34

(Vincenzo’s 19^th birthday)

On the train to the city to see Laura &co (The Brain Trust).

Crazy week—for the first time since leaving for school, I’ve felt in trouble/made bad decisions.

• Lied to Edith about why I missed FC last Wed and have yet to hear a response (realize she may have saw my FB status about s’mores at Lag at midnight)  
• Sent out rapidshare links to the mp4s of all our SLE lectures to the SLE chatlist, to be asked by Greg to take them down, after being told that it’s illegal  
• That’s mostly it.

Kai spent the night Tuesday—got in on the 10:21 train, though, so he missed getting to know the family.

Mom pinched his cheeks and said he was “so cute” – awk.

 

Being home, it feels like I never left, but that I’ve been out of HS forever.

But I miss Stanford/my friends there more than I’ve missed anything at home/NYC, except my own family.

In case anything happens to me in between flying home (to Stanford) and flying home (to NYC in Dec.), I’m going to end this journal early and leave it in NY.

On the Q --> Lex

2010 Q 8818

Just realized this journal nicely bookends the close of a chapter I started on June 9 (pre-Graduation.)

Saturday, November 28, 2010 [Old Notebook]

0:52

(On the E to Penn Station)

It was good and awkward and weird—

Our dialogues are limited to what we have in common—changes at Dalton, updates on Dalton friends, or else, they are about common acquaintances or new friends from Yale.

Some dynamics—only in not as uncomfortable around X—crush wore off.

Other awk thing I’ve done on break: friended guy I’ve never spoken to, but saw at the American Studies lunch last week, with whom I’m sure I made ~flirty eye contact with, with the message “Hey—were you at the American Studies lunch last week?”

Yes, I am that awkward FB kid.

Idk what I’ll redeem myself with, or if he’ll even accept.

I’d hoped, and still do, that what I detected was real and that the fact that we’re both born on Jan 17 means something.

Now to work!