Wednesday, October 20, 2010

0:54 (10/20/2010)

I cried for the first time in a long time over Aunt Cheryl today—it happened while I was on the phone with Grandma Rena in the Main Quad, right after I finished my prior journal entry. There were a lot of triggers:

1) I dreamt of her last night, but don’t remember how—it fled the moment I tried to think of it

2) Grandma told me the story of the photo of her, AC and Mom in front of church—something to do with wanting to go to the Wonder Bread Factory Store after Mom (I think it was Mom) or AC received the right hand of fellowship and before Grandma left. Something, I think AC, said, “wait, let’s take a picture first” and they stopped some lady either as she was coming in or going out.

The story is so full of holes, but it’s still more than I had. And I thought about AC asking for a photo at that moment and not knowing she’d not be alive to see it a few short years later.

Then Grandma spoke about actors from Happy Days and some similar show that died within the week and how Mom and Aunt Cheryl (she calls her AC when she talks to me) used to watch it.

(Note on photo story) I hadn’t imagined AC speaking in such a long time that I think hearing even contestable quotes from her was a trigger.

--> Grandma kept repeating “Grandma’s alright—don’t worry about me” and she said “you know, if something happened to me, your Mom would’ve called you about it already” and then complained that Mom calls to check in on her everyday, just as she sits down to watch the 6 pm news and how she thought I was Mom calling and how until last week, when she left the house for the first time in two weeks (she had swollen joints and body aches) she could’ve died in the apartment and no one would’ve known and how the mail would’ve piled up—this triggered me.

Then (or before) she—[X] walked by and I became self-conscious and lost my train of thought—she had said she was really afraid last week, before we got medicine from Dr. Marshall.

And I teared up while speaking to her because I realized how much I love/loved my aunt, how special she was to me and how much I miss her.

I’ve tried ignoring her absence (or the fact that it causes me grief under the excitement of freshman year/nice weather.)